Posts tagged ‘Clarissa Pinkola Estes’

Cry Me A River …

 

 

“Tears are a river that takes you somewhere … Tears lift your boat off the rocks, off dry ground, carrying it downriver to someplace better.”

 

The above quote is from Clarissa Pinkola Estes ground breaking book – ‘Women Who Run with The Wolves’. In this work, about the power of story, dream and myth, she also describes tears as being what makes – literally manufactures as though it were a substance – that mysterious thing we call, soul.

 

What follows is no scientific treatise on grief, gender, tears or emotions. Tears defy science, logic and explanation.

 

Crying is such a powerful experience and social significant act, it’s hard to really describe. In some cultures and situations, to cry is a sign of extreme weakness and will be punished. Elsewhere, it’s not just expected, it’s required. The legitimacy of tears depending on gender roles and expectations is also a minefield of different meaning, with different rewards and punishments. Crying goes in and out of fashion – seen as both soft and strong. As a man, do you repress tears because you were told that boys don’t cry? Women do you repress them too ? We are also shamed and attacked if we cry, especially if we do it in the workplace. Our crying is seen as not ‘real’ but something manipulative, ‘turning on the waterworks’ for sympathy and worst of all, ‘proof’ that we are weak. These days, male crying is increasingly seen as something attractive – a sign of modernity, vulnerability and metrosexuality. Again, there are huge cultural variables. In North Korea, people are conditioned to cry, in ecstasy or grief depending on the fortunes of their great leader – and there are penalties for not crying on cue. And in the South, male Kpop idols breaking down in sobs at the end of their gig is absolutely de rigueur.

 

So go ahead, cry. When’s the last time you did? Are you someone who prides themselves on not? Can you no longer – or are circumstances such that it’s all you can do? How many songs have crying as a subject? What’s your crying style? Do you weep, wail, bawl, sob, boo and hoo or are you more of a silent tear rolling down a stoically stony face kind of crier? Are you a secret crier or a public one? Do you feel empowered or weakened if others see you cry? What’s the evolutionary function of tears? How do we navigate the connection between social shame or stigma and crying?

 

That moment when we know, suddenly and unexpectedly, that we are going to cry – especially if others are present, has a frisson of danger, of taboo intimacy to it.  It represents a surrender, a small death of illusion and of control. Like vomiting, or falling in love – there is a moment of no return. And in those moments we are as honest as we ever can be. No hiding. No pretending. Feelings don’t lie, they simply are.

 

The last time I cried was on my own this Saturday, in Ronnie Scotts, listening to bass player and singer, (and pianist and producer/band leader) Richard Bona. He settled into a chord progression that hit my heart and made me bury my face in my hands and practically choke. it was a moment for me alone. I can’t explain why or what it was about. Just the sheer beauty and intensely high quality vibration, I suppose. I know that I felt better for it. And soon I was laughing too. I have had parents in my music for babies and toddlers classes literally weep when I sing ‘Puff The Magic Dragon.’ Which is definitely a mystery to me! It seems that some melodies or frequencies just set us off.

 

Go ahead and cry if you want to – and cry for those that can’t. It’s natural and normal. You might just add years to your life.

 

Some fun things:

 

Sam Taylor Johnsons famous weeping men photos

 

Only in Japan: Rent a hot guy to make you cry then wipe your tears away

More handsome weeping boys of Japan

 


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